oh well. it's over. screwed up interview. i know i had a blurred look on my face at least 3 or 4 times during the whole 7 min interview. at first i was really really disappointed when i stepped out of the room. but now? not too sure. perhaps more relieved. i'll finally have holidays that actually are real holidays. days to shop and stone.

i'm too tired to think. just disappointed first i guess. maybe the elation at actual holidays will come later.

just.... worn out from disappointment.

piano exam was terrible. going to fail. gah, feel so annoyed at myself. anyway, what's over is over. mustn't regret too much. because as my favourite or quite favourite phrase goes: regret is good because you can reflect but too much will affect how you view the future.

hmm... math econ history lit math econ history lit math econ history lit math econ history lit

too much too much too much too much too much too much too much too much

and i'm still not studying. i'm a freaking slacker!

fri: lotsa people ponned school. i should have ponned too if i wasn't going to meet Gladys and later Benita at Orchard. that stupid Jing didn't come again. okay, so not stupid Jing... but still... hmmph. better miss me man. after i met Glad and Benita, i left for Ming's house. gave birthday present and listen to crap. heehee. eldon had better not eat up my history notes or he's history. Simon booked outm he's first book out i believe... okay what else? had an almost hour long talk with Sam, convos with her are both interllectual and relaxing. love talking to her. oh... guess what? i saw Clarence at Orchard. in his home clothes. yes, i saw you Clarence! but i was in a hurry so i couldn't say hi.

sat: woke up late so couldn't watch cartoons. lucky thing it wasn't sunday because i don't want to miss church and if i had forgotten to tape POT and missed seeing the tennis match between Ryoma and Tezuka i would have killed myself. and get this!!!! a few people know that i applied for the National Youth Council youth forum thing but well... it's to gain a greater insight into the policy making bodies and stuff like that. i submitted an application with my CV and the 500 words on challenges facing singapore in the next 25 years. figured that i won't even make it past the first round because after that it's an interview and i didn't hear anything from them...

well, my interview's on thursday at 5.55. weird timing but i was pretty shocked to receive the call from them today. i didn't expect it simply because i didn't expect myself to be shortlisted. 50 people max... so i didn't have much hope, especially since Sonya told me that there was a briefing at VJ for those potentials. (which i obviously wasn't a part of, those high achievers *grumbles*) i would expect quite a lot of people to apply.

so wish me luck! and for those who are bored... my essay's below. i like it because i think it links nicely together. and you gotta see that history has helped. ok, econs calls. ciao people! (and really, i'm not bragging. so... you don't say bad things about me being arrogrant or something stupid liddat)

Challenges for Singapore in the next 25 years

“Singapore is but a small red dot.” This phrase is commonly heard being uttered by almost everyone. It is a fact that one cannot deny. Despite Singapore’s land constraints, we have certainly grown in more ways than one as a country in the past 39 years of independence.

Singapore has and will face various challenges in the future. Singapore’s economy is relatively vulnerable as its ups and downs are relative to that of our trading partners. Nonetheless, the economic situation outlook is certainly getting better; with the predicted growth of economy at the beginning of the year being constantly revised with a more positive spin. The challenge Singapore has to face with the economic situation is how to keep the growth constant.

People are happy when they are wealthy. The economic situation inevitably ties in with the social aspect of things. Unemployment is a challenge that is plaguing many Singaporeans nowadays. With more and more people getting retrenched or getting lower pays, Singaporeans must recognize the need to go for re-training courses organized by the government. The government has to cope with the increasing number of unemployed people and Singaporeans have to play their own role in doing their part in getting a job. Marriage and baby problems loom in the horizon but the situation seems set to improve with the incentives the government is providing. Yet again, Singaporeans have to see the reason behind the cause for worry. The world is getting more liberal and in today’s society, openness is a very important issue. Singapore’s society still has a long way to go towards freely expressing their views. This lack of expression can led to political and societal apathy and hence plays a pivotal role in making Singapore a better society.

The new government headed by Prime Minister Lee Hsien Loong does have its work cut out for them. Singaporeans have to learn to get used to the new leadership style and adapt by supporting the policies and changes made by the various ministries. Blind obedience without understanding will not do either and the apathy that the younger generation possesses must change. The post independence generation has to be more open minded and more politically aware.

Singapore is not the only country experiencing political changes. Our nearest neighbours have different governments and it is imperative that Singapore’s relationship with them prospers. Being such a small country, we are more reliant on others and need peaceful coexistence with them. Hopefully, our international relations will grow with our increased role played in ASEAN and the United Nations.

Singapore has to face various challenges in the next 25 years. However, with the support of the people for the government and its policies, it is not impossible to overcome them. The opportunities that the government provides will open more doors for Singaporeans to explore their potential and contribute to Singapore’s international standing as well as provide for them a country they are proud to call home.

Tze Qi was right. it is amazingly accurate. colorgenics.com... i can feel my fingers cramping up. will practice my piano later. as you can guess, i'm not in school

Much of the time you are preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature. You need stimulation and variation with all matters pertaining to your life. You want to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality being able to charm and influence others. You use powerful strategies with predictable outcomes so as to avoid endangering your chances of success or undermining other people's confidence in you.
You 'need to be needed'. As an idealist you are intolerant of anything short of special consideration from those close to you. If you do not get what you seek you are apt to become reclusive and you will close the doors on all those within your sphere of influence.

At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.

As of late, you have been experiencing untold stress and this is a result of continuous frustration. You haven't been taking care of all your physical needs and it's beginning to show. It would seem that you have a need to find someone to whom you can really relate - someone perhaps whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to be individualistic - to stand out from the common herd. Your inherent control of your sensual instincts is restricting your ability to give yourself to open up freely but this being on your own, being lonely, often makes you feel the need to give up some of your strict standards to surrender to the general flow - to be like everyone else; a part of the herd. Deep down you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You would like to be loved or admired for yourself alone. You demand recognition and tender loving care.

The fear that you may not be able to fulfill or realize all of your ambitions makes you work and play hard. The thought of being prevented from achieving the things you want leads you to play your part with frantic fervor.

just came back from my piano lesson. the last one before i take my grade 7. seriously, after the whole thing, i felt confident. confident that i'll pass. the only reason i'm so afraid is because i got a 100 in grade 6. that's a pass on the dot. which i was very shocked at. 100/150. lousy. but i believe this time i will do reasonably okay.

why? because music calms the soul. i felt the music and i enjoyed the whole lesson. now i've only got to work a bit more on the scales so that it comes out full tone. but i'm pretty calm. not freaking out or something.

yup and as i was going home in my state of new found "omm-ness", it happened again. the pushing and shoving that it all comes down to at peak hour. it's 8 pm and still so many people. instead of whacking anyone on the head, i merely smiled at an overly enthusiatic mother and her children. rather sweetly i might add. (ooh, i freaked them out good!) haha.

to sum up the highlight of my day,
as my sister would say when she's heard good news:" i could dance on the ceiling."

i have realized that i won't complain so much now. everyone complains and everyone's entitled to but after all the complaining, i really fail to see the so many other blessings in my life. and that clouds my judgement. it's impossible to cease complaining altogether but i believe that i'll try to look harder for the silver lining in the clouds because there really is Sunshine after the rain.

i guess all i can do is try. i won't stop certainly but i'll always remember to count my blessings. i may not be wonderful in everything i do, but at least i can do them. things may not always turn out the way they should but perhaps there's a reason. sounds so optimistic that i question if i really believe in it. i'm not going to believe that things will ALWAYS turn out fine because that simply isn't true but i'll believe in the promise that things may be okay after all.

but through everything, the most important thing to remember is merely:

Count your blessings.

-Awesome in this Place-

Here in this house of the great king
We come together now to worship him
His house is built on Christ the rock
Cannot be shaken
Cannot be shaken
God is awesome in this place
Sense his presence as we sing his praise
There is power in the miracle
Set the curtains free with a broken heart
God is awesome
He’s so awesome
God is awesome in this place( x2)

I’ve found where I belong
Our living star
In this house
I will grow

There is power in the miracle
Set the curtains free with a broken heart

God is awesome
He’s so awesome ( x3)
God is awesome in this place

you recognize me
you see me as i am
i'm drawn to you
simply because you are
a reflection of myself

weekday's over. weekend's half gone. it's been good, it's been bad. high points, low points. same old, same old. and math looms overhead like a black cloud threatening to burst open in floods at any minute. but i understand substitution now even though i feel it's really stupid. Mrs Koh was explaining it to me on friday. didn't have PW on friday so stayed back for nothing. my eye infection is gone thank god.

i wish people could understand why i'm feeling so screwed up, so i'm telling you why now. Sonya said:" why so down? you seem even more pessimistic than usual and that seems to be manifesting in your actions" or something along those lines. no, i'm not saying she doesn't understand why i feel that way, it had nothing to do with her but again, it's more of a general feeling contributed greatly by my piano exam and my inability to do well in my work. you know my stupid competitive- complusive personality. (but it's not very extreme, yet)

i feel that i'm just medicore in many things. just trying and trying again without success is really tiring and draining. my piano is very important to me simply because it represents to me what i may be able to do well. i've been prepping for about a year, been paying the fees for grade 7 for 2 years and i don't want to fail. knowing that i've wasted 5k and more because the pieces cannot be used for next year's exam, and the disappointment brought to myself and my teacher, i really cannot afford to fail. which is why i spend so much time on the piano. it's not as if i don't have time to relax, to read, to go on the net...

but i'm just scared. i'm freaking scared even though i know it's stupid to be. i guess it'll pass.

i need money. to buy things. i feel like buying another pair of shoes even though my newest pair is barely a week old. i think i shall also switch from loving shoes to loving something else. but i can't! i just love shoes. they're handy. they're essential for walking in and they make a good throwing object/ thing to stuff into someone's month when they irritate the hell out of you.

egh. i feel so materialistic it's wrong.

did i mention before that i was feeling very stressed out? if i haven't, i'm doing it now. when i'm stressed, i a)scream at everyone b)roll on the floor in anger c) eat and very seldom, i use option d) cry. thing is, i don't like to use tears often, because too much renders tears ineffective as a weapon to gain sympathy. not that i do it very often. but due to my character... tears seem to shock and scare people. not that i use them to manipulate the feelings of others. but i've a feeling i'll break down some time or other.

i'm stressed because of the promos and the piano exam. after years of playing the piano, i have reached the conclusion (a bit late) that my emotions are tied to my playing. when i'm tired and can't be bothered, it sounds expressionless and totally boring that one's put off by it. when i'm happy and relatively stress free, it comes out very relaxing and even when it isn't perfect, one can't help but enjoy the mood of the piece. when i'm annoyed, my furstrations make the piece sound angry and tensed.

how do i know i'm stressed? aside from the splitting headache of course. my pieces are tense and tired sounding. i'm reining in the expressions of the piece. everything sound so stilted. and false. so i'm rtying to relax. by stressing out on little minor things like will Colin and Christie win the amazing race? ( i like them, even though Colin has a filty temper that seems to mirror mine but i appreciate their spirit of competitiviness so sue me) or will Benjamin Eio get in for today's wildcard special? things like that. i shall not study tonight.

okay, shall complain. about bus journeys.

picture this scenerio. peak hours. crowded buses. people who can't seem to know any better than try to sqeeze their way into an overcrowded bus, pressing their bodies uncomfortably close to yours, their body heat radiating off and their breath on your shoulders. gross image right?

that's the usual scenerio everytime i go home from piano. today, single deck 74 came that was empty. devoid of people. big enough to fit 50 people. what do singaporeans do? do their make their way there at a moderate pace? no! they elbow their way through the crowd, huffing and puffing their way through. look around! seats galore! why the lack of civilized behaviour?

and when on a bus, please don't suck sweets and make those irritating noises when you do. this woman behind me was sucking on her mints (bad breath no doubt) and wanted the whole bus to hear her! it sounded suspiciously like a couple necking or something. (and if you're the kind of person that does neck in public, it's okay to do it discretly and in small doses) just try to avoid really really public places. an affectionate kiss is okay, head on shoulder is okay, but not major PDA. it aint something i'm desperate to see. thanks very much.

i just wanna scream. and i just did. who the hell cares what others think anymore.

but i'm not selfish though i desperately want to be.
if i constantly sneer at people for being selfish but possess that quality in large quantities, i'll just be a hypocrite. a big fat lying one.

had a shitty day.
had a shitty beginning of the week.

let's see... okay,
eye infection, no school on monday.
eye still swollen and painful and i have to wear specs which makes me look dumb.
i'm feeling sick.
i can't not study for one day because it'll screw up my extremely tight schedule.
i'm going to fail my piano exam.
i'm going to fail my math promos.
i'm going to end up dropping math.
i've given up thinking i'll even get past the first round of the NYC thing.
i've just deleted the mail for another NYC thing that's more probable for me to get in but due to circumstances beyond my control, i can't go for. i could. but i'm not. well, there's still next year at least. yup. i'll hold on to that.
we don't get self study leave on monday and tuesday 3th week of term.
made plans with Sonya to catch a movie but she can't make it anymore so we'll have to do it some other time.

okay. fine. i'm not going to blame anyone but myself for having such a shitty day. whatever.
and i really AM not blaming anyone so whoever thinks i'm blaming you just so you can feel all so sorry for yourself can go and die. somehow i don't know how to put things across so that it doesn't sound as if i'm pissed with people but pissed at myself. gah.

as my sister would say if she had just a bad day as me "go f**k yourself"

Motto boku o dakishimete - Hold me tighter; hold me more
Anata no soba ni itai- I want to be by your side

i vow to write another piece of flawless prose when the promos are over.
*giggles*

i guess the next post i'll post one piece here for people to read if they're bored. but really, since it's fanfiction, it might be a bit hard to get. just know that it's feelings and actually, isn't really hard to understand.


-just something i wrote *checks date at bottom 11th nov-

Why is it when I want to scream I can't? Why is it that when I want to cry I can't? The feelings that are deep inside Are too much for me, too much for me to take.

Weakness could not be tolerated. Weakness could not be shared. Pain could not be felt. What then is the meaning of life? A person's life is made of memories and feelings. Yet when even the most basic things are denied, then what is life? The only answer: meaningless.

Everyone has hopes and dreams, some so secret that it would be frightening to voice them out loud. I only want to feel. I hide my feelings so much, too much. I was told that if I felt, if I showed my emotions, it would be game over for me. My opponent would have the upper hand.

I listened. I learned. That was my mistake.The more I tried, the harder I failed.

Purging the emotions and the feelings left the vulnerability clearer than crystal to me. Sure, hiding them was easy, but did my mother ever know that what you try to hide, the easier it would show? Emotions are my one real weakness and what may be my only downfall. Simply because I denied myself the pain, the joy... That everyone else except me felt.

Isn't it strange? Conflicting. My whims and fancies change. Or better to say, my luck changed. I met you. And my destiny began afresh. I was no longer just the Sakurazukamori, I was someone new. But yet, years of shrinking away, years of running away from the word "feel", I lost you. I lost myself. I lost myself in the illusion of trying not to feel. Who wants to wait forever when the future's so uncertain? Certainly not you.

I can't blame anyone but myself. And I'm doing exactly just that by burying myself in self pity and self reproach. Never get attached to anyone or anything. First lesson learnt that I thought I had down pat but in truth, I knew nothing about. That was when I realized, I will be alone for eternity. I can't open my heart and I can't accept what others have to offer.

There is nothing for me. There is no meaning in life. When the bright flickerings that were once people's souls but are nothing more than fodder for my energy cry out for their lives, that they don't want to die, I say my favourite phrase that perhaps applies also to me.

"Then you should never have been born."

I wonder how your life would have been if that were true. You'll be happier, you'll be more alive than I have ever seen you. Too bad it's not true. Not everyone has the luck for their wishes to be granted. The only reason you wish to die by my hands is because I've affected you too much. I'm not going to say I'm sorry, but I'm not going to say I don't care. I'm going to say, I know why.

Do I sound like I know everything? Man is fallible. Here, nothing is fair. The wicked and the unjust succeed when the pure of heart fail. You can't change the nature of the beast nor should you try.

I'm not sure if this is enough for you. I know it's not. but until the day i truly understand the word "feel", this will have to be enough.

11th November

my post has vanished! grr... after i typed it out and it was so long! grr... grr... *bares teeth*

*mumble mumble*

OK, as much as i can remember i'll write down.

Cripes! as much as i don't want to be complaining about the amount of work that i've yet to revise, it'll just be a short mention. notice how september and june holidays aren't really holidays? they're weeks of torture because we're supposed to use them wisely and study. which i'm sad to say, i haven't done.

Weimin asks me what's with me and the word dang. i like it. twangy.

spent friday with Gladys. we went out to taka. felt a bit guilty that i was slacking but i decided that who really cares? anyway, had a good time and we went to see the mooncakes that were at the atrium there. lotsa choices but too bad i only like the ones with snowskin and no yoke. it was quite fun seeing Glad again. wish Jing could have come. looking forward to going out with CCD when the Os and promos are over. also finished Prince of Tennis 1 and i'm hooked. really wanna play tennis again. (this aint cos of the book) it's been a long while and thing is, i'm not good at tennis. i believe it's luck that i actually connect the racket with the ball. why does badminton seem so much easier? oh well, after promos i'll take up the racket again. we'll see.

bought earrings (stars@!) and shoes from charles and keith. they're black and have only a small heel. not like the silver heels that are well, heely, and more suitable for fancy things. i love my shoes. shoes make me happy. i realised that i need to be rich. i better make a lot of money next time because i like buying stuff. it shames me to say this, but material goods make me happy. i'm not going into some moral debate about what happiness truly is but let's just leave it as me being happy about shoes. (and yes, i do understand that there are alot of things in life that make people happy aside from material possessions) i'm only human. who doesn't get happy over material stuff?

happiness through shoes.

tomorrow's global music sunday. global music at my church. don't have the 915 service tmr so i'll be going for the 8am one. whee. can't wait!

You to me are everything - Thing Real

Hmmm, I would take the stars out of the sky for you
Stop the rain from falling if you ask me to
I'd do anything for you, your wish is my command
I could move a mountain when your hand is in my hand

Hmmm, Words could not express how much you mean to me
There must be some other way to make you see
If it takes my heart and soul you know I'd pay the price
Everything that I possess I'd gladly sacrifice

Oh, you to me are everything
The sweetest song that I can sing, oh baby, oh baby
To you I guess I'm just a clown who picks you up
Each time you're down, oh baby, oh baby
You give me just a taste of love to build my hopes up on
You know you got the power girl to keep me holding on
So now you've got the best of me
Come on and take the rest of me, oh baby

Hmmm, Though you're close to me, we seem so far apart
Maybe given time you'll have a change of heart
If it takes forever girl, then I'm prepared to wait
The day you give your love to me won't be a day too late

Oh, you to me are everything
The sweetest song that I can sing, oh baby, oh baby
To you I guess I'm just a clown who picks you up
Each time you're down, oh baby, oh baby
You give me just a taste of love to build my hopes up on
You know you got the power girl to keep me holding on
So now you've got the best of me
Come on and take the rest of me oh baby

-Benjamin Eio sang this during his performance at Singapore Idol. i think it's a really sweet song. doesn't help that he's really cute too. :)

Nat- I really really miss you. Hope you're having fun in UK. but really, how could you have so much fun when i'm not there? haha. okay, just joking girl. =D

how can you understand what i'm going through when you're not experiencing the same thing?
your eyes just glaze over with undisguised boredom.

why do you people expect so much of me when i'm already tired out?

i'm just so sick of all this and trying to be so bloody optimistic.

yes, i've been optimistic. absolutely sorry if i haven't seemed that way to you.

i'm feeling this way because nothing seems to be going right for me, thanks for asking.

life would be so much better if i didn't have constant reminders popping up everywhere and stupid memories that have been eternally etched in my brain. i still can't believe i feel so hurt after all these time. and i'm beginning to blame myself. which isn't really correct at any rate. what am i feeling hurt about? just about anything. it's more of a general feeling of self pity. AGAIN.

i just don't want to feel anymore.
i just don't want to think anymore.

waitaminute, aint i already doing that?

stoner's paradise.

ugh. i wonder if i like torturing myself by dragging up feelings of insecurity and weirdness. i think i'm just weird.

i want to know your touch
i want to hear your voice
i want to see your face

oh wow, holidays are here already. that means i have less than 3 weeks to get my act together and start studying! okay, so basically i'm screwed. i hate partial fractions when they combine it with binomial. my tys has pages folded because of the p.f. questions i don't know how to do. i guess i'll have to do about 3 chapters of econs later. up until now, i still have no idea how many chapters of econs i have. oh, this is really depressing. i can't bear to think of this period next year where i won't even have 3 weeks.

hiked up to Bukit Timah hill on saturday with Quek and Weimin. then discussed camp... lalala. camp. camp. camp. fun. project work is also getting me really irritated. everything gets me irritated. i keep on wanting to watch tv and my vcds. interview with the vampire just sits on my shelf begging to be watched. i'm such a slacker.

saw this really nice silver pair of heels at charles and keith. going to wait for the price to drop slightly before i'm definitely buying it. somehow shoe shopping is one thing i really like. keep on wanting to go swimming but can't because of the time constraint and the laziness that creeps in at critical moments.

ah, just screw everything. life isn't much fun at the moment.